


Texts From The Bunker

by hetawholockvengerstuck



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Maine can be sort of an asshole, Multi, Sarge is the landlord, Sexual Humor, Texts From Last Night, everyone lives in the same apartment building, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 04:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2296670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hetawholockvengerstuck/pseuds/hetawholockvengerstuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The memorable part of attending Valhalla University isn't the school itself. It's all the other weird shit that goes on outside of class.</p><p>Living in the apartment complex nicknamed "the Bunker" can make for interesting stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tex sat in her apartment, her elbow on the small kitchen table and her palm supporting her chin. The view wasn't especially nice, but there wasn't much else to do, and she was way too tired to do anything about it.

Eventually, however, she lost interest and reached for her cell phone.

_'Your drunk naked friend is roaming around the living room.'_

Tex sent the message to her roommate, Kaikaina, and went back to watching the guy.

A few minutes later, she shot off another text:  _'Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him.'_

Finally, Kai responded.  _'Just kick his ass!'_

_'I was up late studying I am too tired for this'_

_'Cmon just do it'_

_'I am not kicking his ass. It's naked. I don't want to touch that.'_

_'Get over it'_

_'I'll tell Grif'_

_'fine im comin'_

Tex smirked and put her phone away, just as the guy came shuffling back out of her room--oh, god, was he wearing one of her bras?--and went back to making circles in the living room. He looked a bit lost, like he was trying to get somewhere but couldn't find the exit. He made to sit down, but a sharp "HEY!" from Tex dissuaded him; there was no way Tex was letting one of Kai's naked guy friends contaminate the furniture.

It took thirty-five minutes for Kai to return to the apartment. As she led the guy out, she cackled, "God, Tucker, you're never going to live this down."

Kai abandoned him outside the apartment, wearing nothing but teal socks, then collapsed against the wall in a fit of giggles. 

And that was how Tex met Lavernius Tucker.

 


	2. No Party Like A Church Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Church has to deal with the aftermath of a party and hates every minute of it.

At eleven in the morning on a Sunday, Leonard Church, Jr., vowed never to host a party again.

In past years, most parties in the Bunker were held in his best friend Tucker's apartment. It was perfect, since the guy had the second biggest place in the building and no roommate. For some reason, though, Tucker had convinced Church to host this one.

He could remember most of last night, but there were snatches of memory that seemed to be missing, and they all pertained to the mess he was currently despairing of ever cleaning up.

 _Where the hell is Caboose when I need him?_ he thought. His roommate was missing, probably crashing on someone's couch. Which left Church with clean-up duty.

And to make matters worse, they had most definitely been found out.

Church's phone buzzed on the counter.  _'Dude, I woke up on some chick's floor and wandered around her apartment until Kai came and got me. Wish I could call it a walk of shame, but I was naked and I don't think I got any last night.'_

Tucker. Of course. Church angrily texted back,  _'This is all your fault.'_

_'What is?'_

_'our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep.'  _

_'dude i wish i could've seen his face'_

_'i'm never gonna be able to look Sarge in the face again asshole'_

_'that's why it's funny. what did he say?'_

_'nothing. he just looked at me with this weird expression and left.'_

Tucker responded with 'XD'. In most cases, Church would've sent a picture of his middle finger in retaliation, but he didn't want to risk the flash. Instead, he just said,  _'fuck it i cant remember half the stuff from last night im gonna call you'_

_'no dont'_

When Tucker picked up the phone, his first words were, "Fuck you, I'm gonna have to change my ringtone to something less shrill."

"Tucker. It's our junior year. You go to parties, like, every other night. Why don't you have a hangover-proof ringtone by now?"

"Cause people don't usually call me the night after!"

"Whatever. I need explanations. How's your memory?"

"Could be better, but let's see if I can refresh yours."

Church surveyed the mess again, looking for something that just begged explaining. "Okay, first off, why are your clothes hanging from the chandelier?"

"Oh, dude, I was looking for those! Wait, when did you get a chandelier?"

"We didn't! That's why I'm confused!"

Tucker laughed. "Can't help you there, buddy, but can you send my clothes over? They're kind of my favorite."

"Come over and get them yourself, fucker."

"No, not today. Too ouchie."

Church rubbed his temples and sighed. "You're no help at all."

"Why don't you call Doc? I don't think he drank at all last night."

Church was silent for a moment, trying to jog his memory.

"Dude," Tucker said, "you do remember Doc, right? New guy? Medical student? Purple shirt?"

The mention of the shirt sparked something in Church's mind. "You mean Frank DuFresne?"

"Yeah, but we all started callin' him Doc last night, and I'm trying to make sure it sticks. I have a bet to win!"

Church moved the phone away from his ear, grimacing. "How the hell are you so energetic? I thought you had a hangover!"

"Yeah, well, it's sort of a constant state of existing for me." 

 _Fuck this,_ Church thought, and hung up without warning. He tried cleaning up a bit, but eventually followed Tucker's advice and texted Frank. (His phone had the guy listed as 'Doc'. Damn it, Tucker.)

_'hey do you know why there's a chandelier in my room'_

The response was immediate.  _'I don't recall a chandelier when I was there. Are you okay, Church? Maybe you should lie down.'_

_'I'm not hallucinating, there is a chandelier in my living room and Sarge is probably pissed.'_

_'Okay, take deep breaths.'_

_'I AM CALM SHUT UP'_

Church could feel Doc judging him through the phone. 

_'Okay, fine, forget I asked about the chandelier. Do you know where Caboose is?'_

_'Oh, that's easy. He's on my couch. You might need to come get him, he passed out after crying and I don't think he wants to move.'_

_'Crying? Why the fuck was he?'_

_'Well, at some point, someone turned on Family Guy, and he was drunk--drinking like that really isn't good for you, you know, and he really can't spare any brain cells--but he tried to wave to Meg and got upset that she wasn't waving back.'_

It took five texts for Doc to get the message across, so Church started a list of questions on a nearby pizza box with a sharpie. 

_'Okay, so he had a meltdown, you took him home, and then what? Cuz I don't think anyone ever gave him the Talk, so if you did anything I'm gonna have to hold you accountable.'_

_'I'm offended! I would never do anything like that! But I'm glad you're sticking up for your roommate.'_

_'Yeah, yeah. What's his hangover status?'_

_'Well, he threw up a lot last night, so I don't think it's going to be good. You might want to bring him a fresh shirt.'_

Church put down the phone and moaned. "Fuck my life."

At this point, he developed a system: text a few questions to Doc, put down the phone and clean up a bit, read Doc's explanations, cross off answered questions and write down new ones, and repeat as many times as needed. He wanted to get as much of the mess cleaned up as possible before Sarge came back and yelled at him to "get to work, double-time!" 

The exchange went something like this:

Church:  _Moving on. Whose yellow bra is this?_ _  
_

Doc:  _Yellow? That's Kai. She and Tucker stripped during beer pong, and she left it behind. I don't think Tucker put_ any  _of his clothes back on before leaving._ _  
_

Church:  _Yeah, I noticed. They're on the chandelier. Please tell me they didn't have sex in my room._

Doc:  _Nah, mostly Tucker just pretended the bra was Pac-Man and tried to catch the pong balls when other people threw them. You got pissed because he was messing up the game._

Church:  _I sort of remember yelling at him, but I have a feeling I did that a lot._

Doc:  _Yeah, it took you a while to get really drunk. Your liver is probably going to need help._

Doc:  _Hey, you mentioned Sarge. He was there for a bit._

Church:  _Oh god no._

Doc:  _It's okay, he didn't stay long. I mean, he threatened to call the police, but they never came and he didn't get his shotgun, so my guess is, it could've been worse._

Doc:  _He left after Tucker tried to make the Pac-Man bra eat his shoulder._

Church:  _Why is my computer's screensaver some dude's ass_

Doc:  _That was the maroon guy. Simmons? Simon?_

Church:  _Simmons. Fuck, I thought my new password was foolproof._

Doc:  _He's studying computer science. I doubt any technology is safe from his hacking skills. But look on the bright side! The screensaver is easily fixable._

Church:  _Okay and what's with all the broken bottles in the bathroom_

Doc:  _Kai's brother was trying to use the toilet and the twins kept trying to bring him more beer. I felt kind of bad, actually. He just wanted to defecate in peace._

Church:  _I am so glad it's just bottles on the floor. That sounds like it could've been a lot worse._

Doc:  _It was. The male twin cleaned it up for you. You should probably send him a thank you note or something._

Church:  _Fuuuuuuck._

Church:  _Okay is there anything else I should know_

Doc:  _Um besides Donut rearranging everything in your pantry and bathroom? I think we've covered the important bits._

Church rubbed his face, trying desperately to contain a frustrated scream.  _Thanks, man. Gotta go, this mess isn't gonna clean itself._

_Hey, don't forget about Caboose!_

_Keep him. I'm busy._

Church tossed his phone onto the only clean spot on the couch (they would have to get a new one. Fuck.) and set to work. From now on, if Tucker wanted to throw a welcome party, he was on his own.

Even though he was thoroughly embarrassed by the state of his room, Church couldn't help feeling disappointed that the girl down the hall hadn't come to the party. Kai's roommate had lived in the building just as long as he had, but he'd never found the opportunity to talk to her. 

Maybe it was good that she didn't come. Church didn't think he'd be able to face her if she had.

Wait. Tucker said he was in Kai's room. Naked. 

 _Goddammit_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts for this chapter:  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-15876.html  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-58834.html  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-58741.html  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-58802.html  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-58715.html


	3. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wash suffers through a hangover, with help from his roommate. Tucker and Tex meet in a slightly more normal way.

David Washington used to pride himself on his ability to hold his alcohol.

That all changed when he moved into the Bunker his sophomore year at Valhalla.

It appeared that tradition mandated that Lavernius Tucker throw a welcome party for any new arrivals. Drinking the night before the first day of school was not Wash's idea of fun, but he'd been unable to get out of it. He figured he'd just have a beer or two, sit back and people-watch, then sneak out early.

That was last year. This year, he'd been able to avoid the first party of the year, but there had been no way to get out of last night's party. 

"How much did I drink last night?" Wash groaned, cradling his head in his hands. He heard movement, but ignored it. Then his eyes were burning as natural light entered the room.

"Fuck! Close the blinds!"

He heard a raspy, guttural noise and sighed. 

"I'll look up, just close the damn blinds."

Mercifully, the light disappeared. With great effort, Wash lifted his head, wincing as the pounding pain intensified.

"What do you want, Maine?"

The expression Wash's roommate gave him was the same one he'd gotten when they first met.

* * *

Wash's roommate had spent a moment just looking. It had been extremely unnerving: blank, menacing, creating the impression that this guy could see right into your soul and rip it out with no effort. Wash had stumbled over his introduction, then waited.

The guy didn't move his mouth; rather, he raised his eyebrows and moved his hands.

Wash had made a mental note to yell at Tucker later. Someone should have warned him that his roommate couldn't talk.

It soon became apparent why Tucker had insisted that Wash bring Church along with him. After Wash's roommate had signed something, Church said, "He just spelled out his name, Matthew. Also, he told you to just call him by his nickname, Maine. Everyone does."

"Oh." For a minute, Wash wasn't sure what to say. "Um, why Maine?"

Church laughed when Maine began signing rapidly. "It's a long story. I'm not translating all of that."

The next day, nursing a hangover, Wash had signed up, at the last minute, for a sign language course. 

* * *

Now, when Maine signed _You look like shit,_  Wash didn't need a translator.

"You tried to blind me just so you could tell me  _that?"_

_You weren't paying attention. Rude._

"I feel like there's a tiny person in my head trying to break out. Give me a break."

Maine left for the bathroom and returned a few minutes later with a glass of water and a couple of Ibuprofen.

"Thanks," Wash said. He accepted the water and swallowed the pills. "Word of advice, don't ever get roped into attending a welcome party. Ever. Even if you don't have school the next day."

Maine made a stuttering, gurgling wheeze that told Wash that his roommate was laughing. 

"Fuck you." Wash dropped his head back onto his hands and groaned. He was perfectly happy sitting on the couch, alone with his misery, but Maine wanted to watch TV, so Wash stumbled to the small bedroom and collapsed on the bottom bunk. Maine followed him, placing the half-drained glass of water on the desk and tucking a blanket under his own mattress, so Wash was in almost total darkness. 

"Thanks," Wash muttered, curling up under the covers.

Twenty minutes later, there came the sound of a tin can filled with uncooked rice being shaken outside his door.

"Goddammit Maine!"

All he got in return was that  _goddamned laughter_.

* * *

It was laundry day, so Tex gathered up the dirty clothes strewn about Kai's room and added it to her own hamper before heading to the first floor, where the laundry room was located. 

"Hey there, babe!"

Tex, in the middle of loading underwear into a washing machine, closed her eyes and begged for patience.

"Oh, look, it's the guy who wandered naked around my apartment."

Tucker laughed. "Yeah, pretty memorable first meeting, right? I can't believe we've lived in the same building for two years and only just met!"

"I don't count _'seeing you naked'_ as a first meeting," Tex replied. _  
_

"Right, right, names. You're Allison, right? Tex?"

"Let me guess: Kai told you."

"Yep!" Tucker leaned on the machine Tex was attempting to load, face plastered with an enormous grin. "My name's Lavernius Tucker."

"Wow, that's a long name," Tex said, sarcastic. 

"Yeah, well, you should see my dick. Bow chicka bow wow!"

Tex raised an eyebrow. "I  _have_ seen it. I wasn't impressed."

Tucker called her a bitch. She proudly confirmed it by punching him in the stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts for this chapter:  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-58842.html

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time doing something like this, so I hope it turns out okay. 
> 
> The text that inspired this chapter:  
> http://textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-59128.html


End file.
